in defense of empathy

despite what’s apparently en vogue

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Last week, my friend Laura sent me a video in unmitigated disbelief. “Look at this,” she wrote. “Honestly.” The video featured an influencer who was equally stunned, incredulously realizing that there is a growing sentiment that empathy — yes, empathy — is “bad.” As evidence, he shared a clip of a church elder who vehemently declared: “Empathy is dangerous, empathy is toxic, empathy will align you with hell.” The influencer then shared recently published books suggesting the same. (I’m not going to link them here because I really don’t want to give them any oxygen.) And then finally, he shared another clip of a woman who looked meaningfully into the camera and said, “The thing about empathy is that it can actually blind us from reality and morality … that’s why empathy really isn’t a good guide in deciding what’s right.” She continued by emphasizing that empathy shouldn’t get in the way of “biblical truth.”

I’m sorry, what?

Look, I’m no biblical scholar. But I was raised by a Catholic mother and an Anglican father. I attended a Catholic high school. I even raised my daughter in the Episcopal church. So I have some experience with Christianity, is what I’m saying. And after all those years, here’s what I believe:

To my understanding, Jesus — the central figure of the Christian church — was a Brown, Middle Eastern, observant Jewish man. He was born to an unwed mother and he was a refugee. He elevated the women around him at a time when feminism was truly radical, and he showed compassion and empathy to society’s outcasts and downtrodden. He was an activist and a rebel, in defiance of the government and, indeed, many of his religious elders (see: table-flipping Jesus). And most importantly, one of his most emphatic teachings was “love one another.”

Love one another.

So when I see certain Christians suggest that empathy shouldn’t be the cornerstone of their faith’s teachings, or try to use the teachings of their denomination to justify the cruelty or ostracization of any human being, well … I have to think that their church must be using a completely different Bible from the one I’m familiar with. But even putting religion or faith aside, are these folks really suggesting we’d be better off in a world without empathy? That we should spend our precious time deriding and degrading people who are simply minding their own business, not hurting anyone, but who live in ways different from the way we live? That we should consider ourselves better than or more worthy than other people?

Well, honestly, not only is that cruel, but I’ve gotta think that holding that much animosity for folks would make us miserable. And life is just too short for that.

Anyway, in case that’s not clear enough, let me be even clearer: if your life philosophy doesn’t have empathy as one of its central tenets, then you and I will likely never see eye to eye. Because I believe that caring for those whom society discards, whether it’s because of their race, ability, age, who they love, or how much money they do or don’t have, is the only way to make the world better, for all of us. I believe that any belief system that elevates your worth above the worth of any other human is a belief system I don’t ever want to be a part of. And always and forever, I believe kindness is a power move.

And that’s a stand I’m willing to flip tables for.

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